Journey of a Christian Counselor

Each year, thousands of women die from an eating disorder.  ”More than 1/3 of all Americans struggle with anorexia, bulimia, binge-eating disorder or obesity.  Millions use food to help them cope with painful emotions such as grief, shame, anger, lonliness, or guilt.” (Cooper, 2006)

In college, I was good friends with a young woman who suffered from anorexia and bulimia.  Until then, I had little understanding of what an eating disorder was all about.  Over time, I began to understand that food was just a component of the disorder, certainly not the primary cause.  My friend protected her disorder as if it was something sacred – but in truth it was an addiction.  She needed to binge,  if I showed up to her home early and she had planned to purge, she was angry.  She was angry because her compulsion was interrupted.

My friend slowly let me in and I began to understand more.  I began to see the disorder it for what it was – a self-destructive habit that gave her power, power over her body.  She reveled in the control she had, it was addictive.  Not to mention the weight she was losing and all of the attention she was getting from others.

Recently, I have began to see a young lady who suffers from anorexia.  She is soft spoken, self-sacrificing, gentle and described as a child who never caused problems for her family.  She was the silent member who did as she was told.  Her parents are shocked and worried as they watch their child, 19 years old, become so thin.  My suspicion is that this is an emotional disorder for her.  When I inquired about anger, she shared that she has not historically felt angry or expressed anger.  Anger, that emotion, does such devastating things when not acknowledged, expressed and resolved.

In Behind the Broken Image, Debra Cooper, tells a fictional story of three ladies who suffer from eating disorders, their journey through treatment and the realistic conclusion of death for one of them.  She worked closely with counselors of Ramuda Ranch, a treatment facility that has amazing success rate, to write the book.  One character developed an eating disorder as a result of being sexually abused.  Another was raised to be a perfect socialite, stuffing her feelings and covering her pain.  The third character fell into the trap of wanting to be thin but her disorder was fueled by her need to be loved.  All of these women were driven to their disorder for far more complicated reasons than food alone.

It is my hope that as parents, teachers and therapists we begin to see the signs of developing eating disorders and take them seriously.  As for me, I have become much more aware of myself and the messages I send, the way I have learned to keep up with our society.  It had never occurred to me that we set standards for our younger generations by the way we behave.  Now before I have a session with my teens, I do not apply that lipstick to perfection or assure that my hair is looking a good as possible.  As a matter of fact, becoming aware of all of this has made me a little less diligent on my appearance in general.  Sure, we should all look the best we can, that is a Biblical concept, but when it becomes an obsession or something that rules us, it has become too important.

Gotta share – Winning with People by John Maxwell was a great book for leaders and and anyone who wants to have productive relationships.  If we could all follow these, our relationships would be in great shape.

Are we prepared for relationships?

The Lens Principle: Who we are determines how we see others.

The Pain Principle: Hurting people hurt people and are easily hurt by them.

The Hammer Principle: Never use a hammer to swat a fly off someone’s head.

The Elevator Principle: We can lift people up or take people down in our relationships.

Are we willing to focus on others?

The Big Picture Principle: The entire population of the world-with one minor exception-is composed of others.

The Exchange Principle: Instead of putting others in their place, we must put ourselves in their place.

The Learning Principle: Each person we meet has the potential to teach us something.

The Charisma Principle: People are interested in the person who is interested in them.

The Number 10 Principle: Believing the best in people usually brings the best in people.

The Confrontation Principle: Caring for people should precede confronting people.

Can we build mutual trust?

The Bedrock Principle: Trust is the foundation of any relationship.

The Situation Principle: Never let the situation mean more than the relationship.

The Bob Principle: When Bob has a problem with everyone, Bob is usually the problem.

The Approachability Principle: Being at ease with ourselves helps others be at ease with us.

The Foxhole Principle: When prepared for battle, dig a hold big enough for a friend.

Are we willing to invest in others?

The Gardening Principle: All relationships need cultivation.

The 101 Percent Principle:  Find the 1 percent we agree on and give it 100 percent of our effort.

The Celebration Principle:  The true test of relationships is not only how loyal we are when friend fail, but how thrilled we are when they succeed.

The High Road Principle: We go to a higher level when we treat others better than they treat us.

Can we create a win-win relationship?

The Boomerang Principle: When we help others, we help ourselves.

The Friendship Principle: All things being equal, people will work with people they like; all things not being equal, they still will.

The Partnership Principle: Working together increases the odds of winning together.

The Satisfaction Principle: In great relationships, the joy of being together is enough.

To Monti- you are my sunshine and will always be.

It has been four days since you departed from this world.  I think it is just starting to sink into my heart that you are gone.  I have your pictures scattered on my table, deciding which to frame and studying just how adorable you were.  You brought so much to my life, you always made me smile no matter how crappy life was and boy do you know how crappy life had been for me at times.

When you were just a little thing, you were adorable.  Everywhere we went, people wanted to touch you and talk to you.  You were loved by many.  You touched the lives of so many kids I worked with and the ones in my family.

We could let you run free and you would always come back, you never wanted to be far from those you loved.  And you loved us – you waited for us, you kissed us and you protected us.  One of my favorite memories will always be how your whole body shook with excitement when I (or anyone you loved) walked through the door – you were so happy to see us.  It was just heart warming.

I loved taking you to work and you loved riding with me all day. You had such personality.  Every time I put all of your toys in your basket, you dumped them – I always assumed you did not like not being able to see them. You learned how to open the doors where your treats were located and looked back at us with your cries until we caved.  And purple, your favorite toy, that you took outside when you had to potty.  Whenever you got a new toy, it always went to bed with you.  Oh and your bath time, all I had to say was “Monti, time for your bath” and you walked on in to the shower.  You always knew when it was time for your pig ear and would go straight to your blanket to eat it.

When it got to the point that you could not walk down the steps, you went to live with our dear nana.  Oh how I missed you but you gained another true love.  She loved you with her heart too and she misses you so!!  There has not been a day that she has not shed tears, missing you. She loves to talk about how you knew when dad was coming each morning and would wait for him.  You loved your papa T and he loved you.

I know your soul lives on.  I am convinced that God sent you to me, you were my angel.  I will see you again.  Souls like yours can’t just die, they must live forever.

Putting you down was the second hardest decision of my lifetime.  Looking into your sweet little eyes, knowing that you had no idea what was coming felt awful. But I knew you were hurting and now I know that you are happy.

I love you Monti.  You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.  You make me happy when skies are grey.  You’ll never know how much I love you.  Please don’t take my sunshine away.  I have sung that to you since you were just a puppy.

IF I SHOULD GROW FRAIL

If it should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain does keep me from my sleep,
Then will you do what must be done
For this – the last battle – can’t be won.

You will be sad I understand
But don’t let grief then stay your hand.
For on this day, more than the rest
Your love and friendship must stand the test.

We have had so many happy years,
You wouldn’t want me to suffer so.
When the time comes, please, let me go.

Take me to where my needs they’ll tend,
Only, stay with me till the end.
And hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time you will agree
It is a kindness you do to me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I have been saved.

Don’t grieve that it must now be you
Who has to decide this thing to do.
We’ve been so close – we two- these years,
Don’t let your heart hold any tears.

(author unknown)

Have you ever looked back over a life that previously made little sense with a new clue that shines a light that is sharp enough to pierce through the confusion?

Most of us are so busy doing this thing called life, waking up, hurrying out, completing tasks, back home to do our chores and maintain our homes that we miss the very purpose of it all.  Even as a Christian who tries hard to give God some time each day, just He and I, I am guilty.  John Eldredge, in his book entitled Waking the Dead, shares three eternal truths to ponder.  Things are not what they seem.  This is a world at war.  Each of us has a crucial role to play. And once we know these three things, our lives begin to take on a different meaning.

Things are not what they seem.  No they are not.  This world is run by the prince of darkness, who knows that his time is limited.  He knows that God will win this world.  He does not know when but he must know his time is nearing.  He knows the Bible and he has been here much longer than we can even really understand.  Just imagine, he was here when Adam and Eve were walking free of sin in the Garden.  He has watched generations of humans born and die.  He has seen what has successfully tempted us away from our Savior and he knows our weaknesses.  Although the power inside of us, the Holy Spirit, is greater than Satan and we can call on him to defeat Satan, we do not always recognize what is going on as Satan, much less call on the Spirit to help us.

I thought about this from God’s angle for a bit.  I imagined his patience, his perseverence, his kindess yet his power and I realized that he created us to be in relationship with him.  This is his design, his world and we are just part of it.  The real battle is with Satan, and we know Satan’s mission by reading Job.  He is on a mission and he wants our souls.  Sure, he knows that once God seals us, our souls are sealed so then his mission becomes getting us to walk out of sync with God, cause problems in our relationship with him.  And we don’t even see it.

This is a world at war. We know that. God tells us that throughout his Word.  He promises victory and in our menial understanding, we do not get why he does not just claim it.  Why does he let all of this suffering go on?  Why?  None of us know but we do know that there is a higher purpose.  This is His plan, we aren’t really meant to know.  Have you ever thought of what he sees that we cannot see?  Does he see color colliding when evil tempts good?  He sees the demonic spirits when they are working in front of us.  He sees the war clearly and we are often oblivious.

Each of us has a crucial role to play.  What if we were all aware of this war?  What if we knew how much power we have over the darkness?  What if we understood that we had to be equipped for battle each day, as soon as we awake?  What if we knew that we really are our Savior’s feet, his hands?  What if we knew just how magnificent we are, because of God’s love for us and for his life inside of us?  What if we have missed this all along?

For the last several years, I have made it a point to sit down and reflect over the year, assess my weaknesses and which traits I want to keep tuning.  And at the end of the year, I take my list out and re-assess. I am usually fairly satisfied with my progress.

This year I was thinking of what I really want to accomplish and I came up with a few that will require dedication and perseverance, the normal goal setting type of stuff.  However, God always amazes me, the way he talks to me.  I have learned that I am the type of person who needs to hear something a few times before I really accept it as true.  Repetition comes through various forms.

It started with Chip Ingram on his site talking about how many of us get so caught up in doing it right, praying more and reading more of God’s word etc. that we become more obsessed with works, with deeds than what matters.  He reminded us that the fruits of a closer walk are loving others more, loving God more, not stressing because we did not pray long enough or read enough.  HA!  The trap I often fall in – I read, I write and become more into that than those around me, whom I am called to love.

During the big snow, my niece and nephew were out playing and having a ball.  I decided to stay in and warm and did not think much about what I had missed.  And I observed myself in my office this week, working diligently and missing out on all of the fun had by those not working so diligently.  All of the sudden I got it – I need to have some fun.  I need to let go of the need to perfect each report, create a better way, read another book, listen to another sermon, review my budget over again and just let go and have some fun.  What a great New Year’s Resolution!

The pastor kept saying that we are in the experience age, that the information age is ending.  People are tired of the information and now they want to experience it – he was referring to a relationship with Jesus Christ but I took it a little farther.  We can learn about any topic we wish on the internet and does that knowledge really make us experts or do we need to actually experience it – live it and feel it to fully understand it.  I can really only liken it to psychology – when I want to understand a concept I google search it and then feel that I have a grasp of it.  But there are those who study it, research it and then try it before they grasp it.  Could knowledge without experience be like telling someone all about love by reading about it rather than actually feeling it?  Get my drift?

I am fortunate enough to spend a lot of time with my grandmother who has nothing in her heart but love.  Have you ever been with someone who was so others focused that you could find little selfish motive in them?  I can only name my grandmother and being with her is like learning the language of love.  I could not read about that kind of love enough to know it.

My day ended with a conversation that saddened my heart.  Who really likes conflict, especially when there is a truth that hurts?  We meet friends along our way, some that will be in our lives forever and some that God placed there for a reason, a season.  Letting go is not always easy and maybe harder when both do not agree on the separation.  I reflect on my choices and wonder if I am too hard on others or if I am just being selective in who I allow to have influence on my life.  Maybe the truth is that we attract others who are like us and sometimes that is for a season and as we change, those whom we attract change.